


Balance

by Kylo_Rens_9_pack



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, I'm so sorry guys, Lord save my soul I'm trash, M/M, character exploration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 15:52:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6382894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kylo_Rens_9_pack/pseuds/Kylo_Rens_9_pack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thoughts of Ben Solo linger in the back of Ren’s mind. Small flecks of light that are intrusions onto his world consumed by darkness. He sees it as weakness, a filthy connection to the light. Ren hates to face the truth, he hates to face his emotions. A child in denial is what he is most like. </p><p>(Aka we delve deep into the mind of Kylo Ren enjoy the show you fucks)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balance

**Author's Note:**

> Okay warning guys I didn't paragraph this at all it is one big long block of text so be ready for a lot of fucking reading. Alright, there we go into the kylux trash compactor I GO WEEEE

Thoughts of Ben Solo linger in the back of Ren’s mind. Small flecks of light that are intrusions onto his world consumed by darkness. He sees it as weakness, a filthy connection to the light. Ren hates to face the truth, he hates to face his emotions. A child in denial is what he is most like. Unable to face what is in front of him, he is unable to face his connection to the light. The thought that he misses the comfort of the light so dearly that he will hold onto any fleck or glimmer of light in that dark and corrupted mind of his. Ren can also find the light to be overpowering, just as the dark. The dark has it’s own comforts, being so excitedly spontaneous. The dark is unpredictable, exciting, and powerful. The light being the almost complete and utter opposite of that. You can not have one without the other, there must be a balance of spontaneity and predictability. A balance of power and restraint. Ren can not face this truth, that he can not simply chose. He can’t chose power over restraint, he can not chose spontaneity over predictability. Ren must balance himself, find a true inner peace. But he can not accept that just as Ren can not accept himself. He can not accept that he is in truth more grey than he is dark or light, he must deal in absolutes he can not handle the thought of being both or a balance of the two. Only a Sith deals in absolutes. He has heard those words, over and over again lulling them in the back of his brain over and over like a rock in a tumbler. Until the words are worn down, shiny and smooth from the tumbling of thought. Is Ren a Sith? He doesn’t know, what he does know is that all he has been taught since childhood is two absolutes. His parents, he knew they loved him but they were afraid of him. Afraid of his Force sensitivity, afraid he would turn out as his grandfather did. They taught him the first absolute, Light. The light was good, the stability, the restraint. The light was good. Around age five, Ren had another voice mumbling in the back of his head. The small swirls of dark infiltrating the back of his head. The dark was a comfort in the overpowering light, it was something new. It was exciting to finally have something new drilled into his head. He liked this grey area, the mixtures of light and dark. But the other absolute got much more...absolute. The dark began to consume his mind, he was told but the somewhat less comforting voice in the back of his mind that the dark was the only way to success, the only way he could ever be powerful and live up to his Organa-Solo-Skywalker legacy. The dark swirled and slowly snuffed out the light, even with everyone around him trying to reignite the light in his brain, push out the dark. He was being told two different things, he was being torn apart. Two absolutes fighting for absolute in his brain. The way the war waged, Kylo snapped. He was tired, he was in pain, he was dead inside. He killed them all, every last child on Yavin. Except for one, a small girl. Ren couldn’t quite remember her name, Res or something along those lines. But Ren didn’t care, he ran. He abandoned the boy he loved, he abandoned his parents, he left and went to the voice in the back of his head who had always comforted him. He learned the voices name, Snoke. Ren began his training. Snoke’s methods were anything but nice. Infiltrating Ren’s mind, it was painful, slowly and forcefully snuffing out any semblance of light and leaving Ren’s mind consumed in the darkness, the awful almost blinding darkness. Ren couldn’t hold onto any light, Snoke snuffed it. Like a candle, the last flicker went out and Ren may as well have been a dead man. That’s when Ren started wearing the mask, his eyes were hollow and devoid of any light. Glassed over and darker than the eyes of Ben Solo. Ren’s mask hid his eyes, hid his stoic and blank face. He had the expression of a dead man. When the light started coming back, Ren gained back his emotions. He now wore the mask to hide the swirling pit inside his brain. Snoke didn’t bother to snuff this out, he said it made Ren’s connection to the dark stronger. Ren’s eyes were a gateway directly to what he was feeling, this odd pit of sadness, anger, disappointment, loathing, rage, depression, and that hollow core of emptiness. Ren was still a dead man, yet a more passionate dead man. A dead man with some semblance of a purpose for once. Right after Ren’s outburst of sudden emotion he was transferred. To the Finalizer, that was where Ren met General Brendol Hux. Ren despised the man, and added another emotion to his melting pot. Jealousy. Ren saw Hux as nothing more than an equal and competition. Someone to compete with to rise up and through the ranks, to get the most attention. As Ren and Hux argued and bickered Ren’s melting pot only grew more furious. That was when Ren had his first breakdown, inside the training room. It was late, Ren had left the door open and from the hallway there were familiar synchronized footsteps and small scoff at Ren. Let’s just say, the training room needed to be almost entirely replaced afterwards. After that, Hux and Ren truly hated each other. Yet on Ren’s end there seemed to be some hint of admiration towards Hux’s true determination. The General had worked hard to rise through the ranks, earning the title General at only thirty years old one couldn’t help but admire Hux. Ren added another emotion to what is now more of a bottomless pit, it was affection dare he say love for this man. Ren of course knew his affections were horribly one sided, the way Hux seemed to seethe in anger when Ren so much as glanced in his direction. The smug look The General always had on his face, he looked as if he owned the place and technically he did. Brendol Hux had a right to be smug and insufferable but it still angered Ren. Yet he couldn’t help but just admire Hux for his accomplishments, feel an affection for this cold and he could swear almost heartless man. Ren found himself almost useful on the Finalizer. When he wasn’t destroying the nearest console, or arguing with Hux he could offer up intelligent advice. There is no doubt that Ren is intelligent. He is emotionally unstable and in most eyes near insufferable but, intelligent. Ren remembered when he assisted with the plans for Starkiller base, it was the biggest project he had ever agreed to be a part of. Hux of course had tried his best to make sure Ren had no part in the construction of Starkiller, but you can’t argue with Snoke. Ren knew Hux was absolutely baffled when Ren actually gave good ideas for Starkiller, such as harnessing the power of the sun. It was a ludicrous idea at first but partially feasible. Ren watched as Starkiller became a reality, and also watched as all the hard work was turned to dust in a matter of seconds. Ren lies there, beaten down and motionless in the snow. He could see the ash and dust rise from his hard work, the pit that used to be Starkiller. The project he and Hux had spent so much time on, it had almost bonded the two in an odd way. Ren watched, as it all crumbled. In a same way he crumbled, he heard the familiar pair of synchronized footsteps in the snow, and an all too familiar sigh with a very simple mumble of “Ren.”


End file.
